| Page updated 02/08/07 |
| Joke OF THE WEEK |
Shortly after the release of his
James Bond movie, 'Die Another Day',
Pierce Brosnan was in a Dublin pub. A
man greeted him enthusiastically and
asked to shake his hand. Brosnan
complied. Afterwards, the man looked
down at his hand and said..
"That's the closest my hand will ever
get to Halle Berry's arse."
James Bond movie, 'Die Another Day',
Pierce Brosnan was in a Dublin pub. A
man greeted him enthusiastically and
asked to shake his hand. Brosnan
complied. Afterwards, the man looked
down at his hand and said..
"That's the closest my hand will ever
get to Halle Berry's arse."
Out on the golf course with his wife,
The husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair.
It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone.
What we have now is far more valuable.
I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was
Starting his back swing
when the wife blurted out,
"I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-
Stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other,
I have something to tell you also.
Fifty-two years ago
I had a sex change operation,
I was a man before I met you.
I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his
Back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground,
Kicked the ball into the woods,
stormed off the tee,
pushed the golf cart over on
Its side, broke the rest of his clubs
One by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted,
"You liar! You cheat!
You despicable deceiver!
How could you?
I trusted you with all my heart and soul...
And all these years you've been playing off
The ladies tees?!"
Some things are sacred.
The husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair.
It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone.
What we have now is far more valuable.
I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was
Starting his back swing
when the wife blurted out,
"I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-
Stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other,
I have something to tell you also.
Fifty-two years ago
I had a sex change operation,
I was a man before I met you.
I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his
Back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground,
Kicked the ball into the woods,
stormed off the tee,
pushed the golf cart over on
Its side, broke the rest of his clubs
One by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted,
"You liar! You cheat!
You despicable deceiver!
How could you?
I trusted you with all my heart and soul...
And all these years you've been playing off
The ladies tees?!"
Some things are sacred.
Sounds a bit fishy?
I was walking down Moore Street a few
years ago, past all the traders with their
stalls of haddock, potatoes and bananas,
when I heard a loud female voice calling
in pure Dublinese : "Maria, get that
young wan off deh fish, she's no knickers
on!"
I was walking down Moore Street a few
years ago, past all the traders with their
stalls of haddock, potatoes and bananas,
when I heard a loud female voice calling
in pure Dublinese : "Maria, get that
young wan off deh fish, she's no knickers
on!"
On the way home from work on the
bus. It's packed, it's hot and everyone is
On the UCD Bus into town
well and truly p***ed off (including the
driver). The UCD stop comes up and
the bell rings. Then the bell rings again
and again and again and again.
Obviously each person getting off
thought they were the first to do it.
Suddenly the bus driver slams on the
brakes, turns on the intercom and roars
at the entire bus....
"Will yis stop ringing the bleedin' bell,
who the f**k do yis think I am?? I' not
f***in Quasimodo!!!!!
Absolutely classic, the entire bus
cracked up!
Taken From the Rotunda Hospital
phone records
A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones
the maternity hospital, obviously in some
state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have
broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where
are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."
phone records
A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones
the maternity hospital, obviously in some
state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have
broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where
are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."
The Guinness Bet
A Texan walks into a pub in Temple
Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to
anybody in here who can drink 10 pints
of Guinness back-to-back." The room is
quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves. Thirty
minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows up and taps the Texan on the
shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks
the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks
the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into
all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub
patrons cheer as the Texan sits in
amazement. The Texan gives the Dub
the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30
minutes you were gone?" The Dub
replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub
down the street to see if I could do it
first."
So these two Dublin lads, Shay and
Jimmy, are lost in the Sahara desert.
They're only desperate for water, but
just as they think they're about to die,
they chance upon a village where market
day is in full swing. They go to the first
stall they see, and Shay asks if they can
buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I
only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and this
time Jimmy asks for some water.
"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only
sell custard."
"Custard???? Custard????" Shay says to
Jimmy. "What kinda feckin' place is this?"
By now totally desperate, they go to the
next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I
only sell jelly."
Hearing this, Jimmy turns to Shay and
says, "Janey mac - this is a trifle bazaar."
A Texan walks into a pub in Temple
Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to
anybody in here who can drink 10 pints
of Guinness back-to-back." The room is
quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves. Thirty
minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows up and taps the Texan on the
shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks
the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks
the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into
all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub
patrons cheer as the Texan sits in
amazement. The Texan gives the Dub
the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30
minutes you were gone?" The Dub
replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub
down the street to see if I could do it
first."
So these two Dublin lads, Shay and
Jimmy, are lost in the Sahara desert.
They're only desperate for water, but
just as they think they're about to die,
they chance upon a village where market
day is in full swing. They go to the first
stall they see, and Shay asks if they can
buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I
only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and this
time Jimmy asks for some water.
"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only
sell custard."
"Custard???? Custard????" Shay says to
Jimmy. "What kinda feckin' place is this?"
By now totally desperate, they go to the
next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I
only sell jelly."
Hearing this, Jimmy turns to Shay and
says, "Janey mac - this is a trifle bazaar."
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